how long more

i’m worried that after all that’s been said and done, i’m not sure if i’m in love anymore. i’m worried that i can never get over what happened. that i can never completely give my heart away, the way i did before. i hate the way i’m feeling, and hate the way this consumes me more than it should. i hate the kind of thoughts that cross my mind sometimes. hate hate hate. there is so much hate.

and then we speak on the phone, we have a pleasant, comforting conversation, and my worries dissipate for those precious fifteen minutes. and i genuinely feel like i mean it when i say, i love you too. but the doubts return again with a vengeance, when it’s just me and silence.

beyond me

the thing is, i really want to heal and really want to be alright, but my heart is so weak and my mind, god, my mind is so out-of-control and masochistic. there are moments when i am happy – I think, genuinely so – but then there are the heavy moments that emerge inexplicably like clouds and my mind goes dark, and the darkness seeps into everything that my consciousness touches. and all i can do is read the same articles and listen to the same songs over and over again, until i am utterly spent and i’m too tired to even cry. that is when i will finally fall asleep.

i want to tell you that you’ve really screwed up this time, and it’s really hit me hard, and i’m in so much pain that only a little bit goes away each day, and the reason why you hardly see any of it is because i’m getting so good at burying everything. i can even joke about it now. fake it till you make it, right? i want you to understand. i want you to know that sometimes it is a struggle to even remember why i am struggling. i need to see that all these pain is worthwhile. that there is a rainbow, and there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, and it is not leprechaun gold. but i’m so afraid that baring my vulnerability in its raw entirety will push you away. i saw, i saw what was on your face that other time i cried. i saw that you were capable of having that look. i never want to see it again. i never want to.