there are moments with you when it all feels right, again, and i’m reminded of all the ‘why’s and ‘how’s of love. and then there are the moments gripped by fear and mistrust and doubt, which arrive unexpectedly, suddenly and rudely. and i have no idea where these moments come from or why they have arrived. all i know, and they should know, is that they’re not welcome.
i’m learning…not to expect anything. but i’m not sure if that’s something worth learning, or simply a coping mechanism.
I have so many fond memories of my time at oxf. where do I begin? Beans was right – it was the best of times, it was the worst of times. It was where, I think, the incipient foundations of my adulthood were laid, where I truly grew up. I wasn’t always right for it, nor did I always regard the place with such affection. For good or for bad, being in oxf was almost like a toxic relationship, one which utterly drained and battered me at times, yet to which I always feel such an irresistible draw. It was, after all, where I first learnt to carve my own space.
On to the lighter stuff. The painful first meeting in the jcr where I met some lovely people, one person whom I found insufferably obnoxious but who would later turn out to be a really good friend. The first improv comedy show I watched, where we sang along to death chants aimed at a certain political leader in great jest and jolly spirits, where, for the first time, I realised, “Dorothy, we’re not in Kansas anymore”. The night where I was fed what must have been 10 shots of Polish vodka, ran back to my room and sat in it huddled up in a blanket but still shivering. Skyped my best friend who was all the way across the Atlantic Ocean, and cried about how miserable I was. That other night, on the way to my first night out, where I inexplicably (and perhaps, drunkenly) had a deeply personal chat with beans, which turned out to be the best decision ever made in the history of my university career. The moment after my first lecture when I first felt that almost earth-shattering tinge of disappointment…this is it, this is what they call the pinnacle of academic excellence. Really? Really?! Never viewed lectures the same way after that. And then, trying out for rugby and, to the surprise of everyone but most of all, myself, getting in. The facebook friend who wondered if my rugby match photos were part of an elaborate Halloween costume getup. Hahaha. There was that awkward but adorable first date at the trout – he drove, we shared an umbrella, and walked along port meadow (first dates seem to always happen at port meadow…). Movie dates at the vue, yummy nachos but bad movies (the worst!). Feeling like carey mulligan’s character in “An Education” as I stepped into the car on the road that leads to the law faculty. The weird dissonance between my life and his. His innocence. My confusion. And my lack of resolve. Discovering that there are different ways of pronouncing “pork”. Regular brunches at browns cafe with beans. Falling in love with the covered market but also sort of intimidated by how local, and how different it was. Going for the psychology society meeting as the only two lawyers; venturing into cowley for the first time and finding it a different world entirely. Again, intimidated. Developing a charmed friendship with the (then potential) housemates. Cooking curry together bent over the rice cooker, and chatting about boys, and girls, and shared and divergent pasts. the weekly meetings with people that I’ll come to lean on, and then drift from, and lean on again.
If I may be very very honest, I am quite unhappy these days and I don’t really know why. Well, I sort of do. A lot of it is unresolved exhaustion, both of the physical and mental kind. And the stress from uncertainty and fear, which is not going away no matter how hard I try to manage it. A part of me wants to believe that everything will be fine no matter what, even if the worst happens. But of course, a part of me is already hurting, rather prematurely. And then there is that part of me that just wants all these negative thoughts and feelings to stop, and keeps trying to think of an easy way out only to realise that there really is no *easy* or painless solution. Sigh. I’m just so tired, really. So tired of everything. So I compulsively distract myself, but that just gets in the way of things I have to do, and it creates this unhealthy cycle of stress-distraction-stress.
At some point in this mad scramble towards adulthood – assertiveness, ambition, stop-being-a-pushover-ness – , I think I forgot to be humble. Humility. To recognise and genuinely appreciate that I always have something to learn, always. I can stand my ground, and still be aware that the ground on which I stand may shift anytime.
I never thought that we’d ever reach this stage, where I’m driven to the point of so much fear and doubt, and where I drive you to the point of absolute exhaustion.
I just want things to go back to normal, the way they once were just slightly under a month ago. It takes so much time to build something up but an instant to tear it down. Never felt the truth of that statement as strongly as recently. Is it true that some things once broken can never be fixed? I sincerely hope not, because I’m all ready to do the fixing – as long as you want to put in the work to fix it too.
are you done punishing me? do you know how I feel, how painful this is for me? what does it mean when you say you still love me? do you know what it means? do you know or care how much hurt you’re causing me and causing us…causing this?
…what else do you want? what more do you want? surely, what we have – and all the memories we’ve built – surely all that is stronger than this…
please, please be ready before my heart goes cold
At the end of the day, I really just need to let go and trust, and recognise the fact that I have no real control over anything.
The answer to one of my previous posts? He loves me, and that should be good enough. True, genuine love for all of me – including the good, the bad, and the monstrous – is so, so precious. What could I, or anyone, possibly want more than that?
What’s meant to be will be. What’s not meant to be will not happen just because I demand it. And the more I try to grip on to something? The more it will slip out of my hands.
So, we had a long chat. A couple of chats, actually, and everything made sense and should feel right. I should feel less unsettled than I’m feeling right now. But what is to say that all feelings are unreasonable? In other words, how do you draw the line between intuition and … unsubstantiated fear? I can only shrug and admit that I truly am clueless. It is so easy to rationalise and so difficult to soothe. Let it go, chill out, everyone* says. I can only agree contritely and plaster a layer of peachiness on top of this…this inexplicable well of hurt. It’s just so much easier and healthier and well, better – from a utilitarian perspective, at least, lol. But really though, what result would the reasonable man standard yield here? Or reasonable woman standard (at the risk of sounding sexist)? What about the thin skull rule, I protest feebly. Technically, no harm has been caused…but what about Feinberg’s offense principle??? Oh god, I’m going crazy.
*well, everyone that I’ve bared my feelings to, that is.
On another note, I cannot believe that the previous posts were my first two posts in 2015…