I’m soooo exhausted.
I’m soooo exhausted.
On the dance floor, love is free and so is touch but both are empty and I’m often left wondering what everyone is so euphorically, fanatically happy about. What is this elusive, secret joy that I don’t seem to be connected to?
Whenever people mention that they miss home, I feel like I can’t relate. I’ve never felt like I was able to call anywhere home. Where I feel comfortable and at ease, it is ultimately not home and life has a way of slapping me in the face to remind me of that, repeatedly. Harsh. And where I am meant to be at home, I am neither comfortable nor at ease. It’s sad but true and I’ve come to accept that. That makes me, like most people without a home, constantly on the search for one. I used to find home in the relationships I have with people, then I tried finding home in a relationship and there were periods where I thought to myself happily that maybe I’ve finally found it but those periods never lasted and never ended well and now I’m unable to build a home in any relationship with anyone.
I don’t know what love is anymore. I always thought love meant putting somebody else’s needs above your own but I’m too afraid to do that. Too afraid of compromising my own needs because you really don’t know if the somebody else will put your needs above his, too. I still try, because I can’t bring myself not to, but there is always that niggling fear sitting like a dead weight on top of all the romance and stability.
Thoughts of the future, of careers and what I want to do with a good part of my life make me feel so commitment-phobic. At least with university, there is promise and potential, a blank canvas, in what lies beyond graduation. With job application, there is so much less room for change and so much less control over your life once you sign yourself to something. The idea that I could possibly be trapped somewhere terrifies me.
Sometimes, I think too much.
B r a s e n o s e, please don’t break up with me…give me another chance, I will be good to you.
I’m sitting here with Tegan and Sara blasting in the background, and realising that I have trust issues…sigh pie
is when he goes out in the cold at 1.45am to get me pizza because I have a sudden craving for it.
Love you too (:
As some of you may know, I don’t have the best relationship with my dad. And that’s already putting it quite mildly. This is partly the result of years of conditioning by my bitter and overbearing mother, and partly because of the naive and self-righteous ways in which I perceived right and wrong as a kid. This stuck with me throughout my formative years and I found it so hard to respect my dad, even though I knew that there was something massively wrong about that.
These days though, more and more, I have come to appreciate that no matter how flawed my dad is or how much he may have wronged my mum, at the end of the day, he does love me and does try his best to make me happy. Sure, he doesn’t attend to my needs without complaint and doesn’t always bother to draw resolutions with wisdom but ultimately, he accepts me for who I am. He’s seen my ugliest, most petulant sides, and heard the most hurtful words I’ve ever uttered to anyone but has never turned me away or stopped listening to me. And that, is the closest to unconditional love I’ve ever seen, I guess.
Has it really been two months?! Yeah it really has…wow wow wow what is going on.
Slightly incoherent right now – am basically surviving on less than 5 hours of sleep in the past two days. Not by choice. Or even by circumstance. What is wrong with my body why does it refuse to sleep?!
I want to go shower so I can catch up on sleep. But I’m too tired to shower. Which makes me not want to sleep (yet). Which makes me…yeah you geddit. Vicious cycle. No it’s actually ‘vicious circle’ not ‘cycle’ although i think ‘cycle’ makes so much sense? You know what else makes sense?
This Song. THIS.
Am grateful for all the different types of love I have in my life. Love really does help to heal…
Anyway, I witnessed some kickass cross-examination action in court today and it got my heart pumping (ok partly because of caffeine as well). I wanna be able to do that someday!! Corner the guy, kick some butt, shake him upside down. He won’t even know what hit him! All metaphorically, of course. I also want to be able to remain as down-to-earth and humble. and warm. They say success detaches you from people. I ain’t having that!! No!! Was so moved when the guy I did a piece of research for presented the finished product to me, with a glint of almost fatherly pride in his appreciative smile.
And also, even though I didn’t get to skype M today and hence missed out on being the subject of yet another one of his jokes, I got left a little message. It was pretty nondescript – not even one of his usual long and hilarious monologue-type messages – but still made me smile. Just thinking about him makes me happy. Can’t wait to actually be with him again, which will make me happ-ie-er.
“I know why you can’t sleep…”
“because you don’t have me next to you!”
And also also, I finally decided what to do with my birthday and have settled on some sort of plan. Now I just gotta wait for it to happen (and get a cake, and maybe get some balloons, and maybe get a new dress).
All in all, a pretty good day. Ok I can’t take this anymore. SHOWER TIME.
Oh man, the Insomnia Monster strikes again…
‘It’s…about building trust I guess’
‘I trust you, you’re not the kind of girl to do something behind my back…except buy me things!’
I once foolishly wrote in a card to someone, ‘when I’m with you, everything feels right’ – foolish because I didn’t mean a word of what I wrote then. And I didn’t think I’d ever really feel like that. I wrote it because it felt like a romantic thing to say. With you, this line finally makes sense and actually means something. For the first time, I don’t want roses or sweet nothings or Tiffany necklaces; I don’t need to be swept off my feet. I just want to rest in your arms, my head against your chest, your lips on my forehead. My mind’s in a mess but you’re holding me and all is right. Haha will I look back, months down the road, and laugh at myself for having mistaken the rush of infatuation for something else? I don’t know and I can’t be sure until I reach that point but learning to trust has been surprisingly easier than I thought. What also surprises me is the quiet contentment that I wake up with every morning – am slowly getting acquainted with this new feeling and savouring every bit of it.
I thought falling in love for the second time would be difficult, or near impossible. How could I ever fit snugly in another pair of arms or gaze into another pair of eyes with the same tenderness? But now, I know better. Sometimes I wish there was a videographer following us everywhere, capturing all our moments, the silly slapstick ones and the sweet serious ones. The sneaky first-date manoeuvre (‘and then I realised it was a date, and I was like, “oh.”‘); the ‘schoolboy error’; the twelve hours of chatting and cycling; the weird questions; my inexplicable giggles; your fading grumpiness; the complete and utter honesty (‘do I have to tell you everything?’ ‘I’d f****** rate that!’); the lines we throw at each other; the Kitchen Window Incident; the accidental facebook blooper that gave you such pleasure; the London trip where we either refused to use a map or couldn’t use a map; the 3am revelation; the vulnerability of both of us; your smitten eyes and my pouty lips; the hours spent doing nothing but just existing, existing in each other’s company, whether it is on a lush green field or in either of our rooms. The entire story – of how we met to how we’re now a team – is comedy gold, I swear. So, so precious. Every single time we meet, it’s a bundle of laughs and the forming of new memory bubbles that will drift into my mind at some point in the day – sometimes repeatedly – and make me stop and smile warmly to myself. What a riot we are. Thank you for making me so happy.